The last few days...

These last few days have been emotionally draining. I landed on Sunday evening. I went to my dad's house straight from the airport for a minute, then home, then to my Aunt's house where a lot of the family was meeting for dinner. On Sunday I think I stayed up over 24 hours. I woke up from a nap at 6:30pm Pacific on Saturday and did not sleep again until 12:30 Eastern. I am sure the not sleeping didn't help with my exhaustion.

Monday and Tuesday were the viewing and then the funeral was on Wednesday. Basically tons of food, people I have not seen in years and lots of hugging and crying.

The funeral home we chose was Heeney-Sundquist Funeral Home. The owners were actually family friends with my grandma and her parents for years. We've used them for every funeral ever since I can remember. But they have some cool antiques downstairs and it's a very comfortable and interesting place. It's crazy because it hasn't really changed since I was a child.

Some things I found:














And one of the coolest things I found (courtesy of the funeral directors adorable 8 year old son) was an underground railroad tunnel. This was in the far back room, under the basement.



I am going into our MI office tomorrow, so I should probably sleep. Catching up on work is going to be pretty brutal and this weekend I am going to try to catch up with old friends. Oh, my friends have kids, how weird is that. For another blog post.

The morning sunshine....

So, I find myself hop scotching across the country, again. This time, for a somber reason. I hopped on a 6am flight, which means I had to be at the airport by 5:00am, which means I have not slept. I went to Hurricane Cafe with Jesse, his sis and her friends. I broke my no caffeine rule and drank two Diet Cokes. I think I am addicted to Coke Zero/Diet Coke.

I need to bitch about something. I HATE bad travelers. I have been surrounded by them today. The woman who does not know where she is going and takes forever at the first class check in counter. The woman who was not first class/MVP but wanted to check in at the first class check in anyway. The woman who had a huge bottle of hairspray in her carry on, oh she also did not remove her shoes, or her laptop. The people who check in and get an exit row seat for themselves and their 7 year old daughter and then cause everyone to move around in the plane because a 7 year old cannot sit in an exit row. Seriously, when you check in it asks you if you are old enough, if you can lift a heavy object, etc. Also, why did the gate agent not catch it? I am in an exit row and he asked me if I was willing and able to help out. I responded I am an able bodied person, which is such an airline term. I am a dork.
Oh, one last thing and I am done bitching about flying... there is a 5 year old behind me and his favorite past time during this flight is kicking my chair. Awesome.

Even though I booked through Northwest Airlines, I am flying on a Delta flight. They have movies, which is nice, but they do not recognize Alaska MVP's. Since I am not sleeping due to 5 year old kicking every 3 minutes (even though I asked his dad to make him stop a bunch of times) I suppose I will watch the movie, The Soloist.

Going home again is always rough. I booked a flight back on September 8, but I might change it to come home early, I might not. I am just going to play it by ear
and see what feels right.

I did snap these amazing pics of Mount Rainier with my Storm. Rarely do I sit by a window and fly during the day. These were taken about 6:20, just as the sun was rising.

Moving forward.

I keep saying these horoscopes are bullshit, right? But then why do I keep posting them. And don't all horoscopes seem to describe what you are feeling, or is there truth to them??

This was my horoscope for August 22:

The Moon returns to your sign today to reveal your feelings that you tried only yesterday to deny. But you can no longer run away from your true desires as your key planet Venus is provoked into expression by innovative Uranus. Don't worry if you don't know exactly where you are heading; just appreciate that there's forward movement and know that you'll figure it out along the way.

This was my tweet from last night when I came home, on August 22:

Fuck. Feelings that I thought were going away were suddenly brought up by running into an unexpected third party

I am going through some things right now. This has been a rough summer for me. A horrible heart break and now my grandma passing away, which I knew was coming but I suppose I was not really ready for. The worst part of it all is... when I found out... the first thing I thought of is I wanted Ryan to comfort me.

I love my life. I love where I live. I love my friends. I love and I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people and things in my life. I know that and I get that. I have tried so hard to move on and move forward and fill my time with positive people and activities. But yet, there is this pain, this pain that is brought on by loss that just will not seem to leave my heart. I keep waiting and hoping and it is just there.

My heart is heavy. I know it will pass, I do... but for now... I am just waiting.

I leave for Detroit at 6am tomorrow. I tried to get home before she passed but I did not make it. I kind of knew though, that when I said goodbye to her when I was home last that it would be the last time I saw her. I walked out of the hospital room and tears rolled down my face and I just knew.

My family moved her to a hospice center though, which was nicer than a hospital setting. Their sole job is just to comfort her and make sure she is feeling as best as she can. They allow dogs there and for some reason my mom's dog, Shea, has a weird attachment to my grandma and she just sat on my grandma's lap for hours. I like to know that, I know how much better Shea makes me feel when I am sad... so I am sure she had the same effect on my grandma.

I have not packed at all. I should probably do that now.

Can one person be a "family"...

I received a Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail today. I buy a lot online from many different stores so I am on every catalog list you can name. I know it's bad for the environment but I still really like catalogs, especially furniture or home decor catalogs. I like seeing what item is paired with what accessory, etc.

Well, going back to the VS catalog, I noticed that on the address line it was addressed "The Oras Family." This is weird for two reasons. One, is a Victoria's Secret catalog really meant for the "family?". Two, it's just me here. Why do they assume I have this beautiful husband and 2.3 children, etc.

I know on the spectrum of important things this rates pretty low, but it was on my mind. I need a nap now.

They say, Time heals all wounds...

But how much time are they talking about? I keep wondering that. Today I decided I would deep clean my apartment. I am talking bag clothes I do not wear to give to charity, wash my walls, scrub things with bleach, etc.

A few months ago I took a Xanax. A friend had given me one, said it would help me calm down and I would not hurt for the next few hours and I could probably get some sleep. I had never taken a Xanax before but I will willing to do whatever to get some peace. Earlier that night I had been at Del Rey and had two glasses of wine. Um, apparently do not mix Xanax and wine. I instead found myself waking up in my walk in closet, with a pillow and my comforter. My bedroom was in shreds. I had pulled all the clothes in my closest off the hangers and clothes out of the drawers and threw my shoes all over my floor. I have one small memory of me literally taking my socks and throwing them over my shoulder.

Honestly, it is not funny... but, um, yeah it is sort of funny since I was not hurt or I did not do anything too stupid. I do have a history of sleep walking and usually when I sleep walk I am looking for something and I do usually pull apart the closet, empty the refridgerator or something stupid like that. So, apparently wine + Xanax = sleep walking, destructive Elise.

Anyway, I will not make that mistake again.

So, skip to today. I never picked up a lot of those clothes. I am not sure why. Laziness, overwhelming, travel, work, life, whatever. Today was the day to do it.

So, as I was separating, bagging clothes, hanging clothes, I found something that belonged to him. I did not cry, like I would have. I just sorted it and kept on cleaning. It was then that I realized... I am letting go, and I am sad about it. It's weird, because that is what I want right? To let go of him... but here is the fucked up part. The pain is familiar, the missing is comforting. I cannot explain it, but it is like letting go is admitting I need to move on. I am not quite there yet, but soon. I know it will be sooner than later.

I am still astonished that I was able to care for someone as much as I did. I did not know it was possible, but now I know and I am pretty sure I am better for all of this.

And as a final thought. I am so grateful for my friends out here (my old and new), in my new home, of Seattle. You know who you are. I hope you know how important you are to me and how much I appreciate you.