I remember, about six years back, I visited my friend Nate at Penn State. I met him during my first year of college, we had both gone to Wittenberg, but only stayed for a year. He went on to Penn State, and I went on to all over the place... but he and I still remained very close.

I went to a class with him and dropped in. It was some type of beginning philosophy class, which I have never really explored before, and I just happened to be there the day they started existentialism. Of course the first piece the prof mentioned was "No Exit". Also, the most famous line was thrown around... "Hell is other people."

I remember hearing that line before, and oddly enough I was able to place it right away. Like many kids of the 80's, I never missed an episode of Family Ties. I remembered that Alex P. Keaton once said it, and it stuck with me. I was probably 8 years old, and it stuck with me that long, though I did not understand it.

Anyway, I accidentally came across Sartre's, "No Exit" on Google reader. I started reading a bit, and then I found myself finishing the short, one act play. It was not until reading it again, that I really think I have found the true meaning of that one line.

Hell is not other people in the sense that you should not be around people, or other people cause all the problems... But... more like you are trapped, bound by another persons thoughts and judgments of you... and if we have a relationship with a person that is not how we pictured it, or flawed, or negative or even just... well, fucked up, then we worry and get upset and obsess... until we are in our own hell, that we view as caused by the other people.

It isn't that other people themselves are hell, it is we are in hell because we actually care about what those are people think and feel about us, and no matter how hard we try to ignore, forget, etc, it is still there.

The ironic thing is, we depend on those other people... to give us that judgment, feedback, etc. It is a sad catch-22 and somewhere in here, I think taking responsibility for your own actions fits...

Can you tell I am not sleeping, again?

Sometimes I wonder if the world is too PC? I feel like so many people cannot take a joke, or are too sensitive, or you have to be so careful what you say to whom, because if taken out of context it can be taken the wrong way.

As an outspoken, sarcastic woman from the Midwest, I am used to sometimes saying things or doing things that can cause controversy. I did it last night, actually, talking out my ass about something I heard a long time ago that I thought was super stupid, then compared it to a movie I had seen and... bam... caused drama. I do not think it helps that I can talk to anyone about anything, and often do... and sometimes random people are crazy, or weird, or tell you something that you probably did not want to hear...

Anyway, I need to go to bed, but yeah, sometimes people just need to lighten up.

It is late, I am not sleeping... I'll rant a bit.

So, a big pet peeve of mine is when people do not take responsibility for themselves and their own actions. I am not perfect, but I do try to follow that as close as possible, especially these days. Of course, there is the occasion where maybe you drink too much, or you are dead tired and something slips out... But for the most part I try to live with a clean conscience and try to take responsibility for me.

I kind of got involved in a weird situation recently, where I became unnecessarily and unwantingly (is that a word??) entangled with two people that are totally emotionally and mentally unstable, and have not taken responsibility for themselves. It is a weird feeling when you are dealing with people like that, almost like you are drowning, and a hand is pushing on your chest - keeping you under water... I try to remove those people from my life, as it is just not healthy.

Another thing, weak people - and I am not talking about sensitive - I am talking about weak people, with low self esteem, low self worth, insecure, jealous, etc... People that let people other take advantage of them, won't stand up for themselves, etc... I think that is another bothersome thing for me. I am a pretty independent woman, I rely on myself - and of course I use my family and some friends as a safety net, as everyone should have a security net as sometimes you do fall down... but for the most part I do it on my own, and I like it that way.

Oh, another thing I like, is boundaries. I find that in the past few years, especially since moving to Seattle, I have found my boundary comfort levels, defined them, and know where I place most people in my life, and where they are within the boundaries. Boundaries keep things simple, and easy to deal with, and well, drama free.

This past weekend, I stupidly crossed a boundary. Partly because I was caught off guard and partly because I felt bad for one of the parties involved, and my womanly, helping, nurturing, fix everything instincts kicked in... I felt bad for both people in this situation, especially the woman (stupid, I know, they brought it on themselves!) and now, I am kicking myself for not just hanging up the phone right away. Damn curiosity, it always kills the cat!

But I will say this, even though it is not the easiest thing... When you are in a relationship, and shady shit happens, and you catch your honey in lies, it is time to leave, because the lies get worse, and deeper, and then you end up investing time and energy, which will only end up hurting more in the long run. If someone brings out the bad in you, the sadness in you, makes you hurt... leave! Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, and if you are not getting respect then it is time to get out!