Saturday, August 22, 2009

Moving forward.

I keep saying these horoscopes are bullshit, right? But then why do I keep posting them. And don't all horoscopes seem to describe what you are feeling, or is there truth to them??

This was my horoscope for August 22:

The Moon returns to your sign today to reveal your feelings that you tried only yesterday to deny. But you can no longer run away from your true desires as your key planet Venus is provoked into expression by innovative Uranus. Don't worry if you don't know exactly where you are heading; just appreciate that there's forward movement and know that you'll figure it out along the way.


This was my tweet from last night when I came home, on August 22:

Fuck. Feelings that I thought were going away were suddenly brought up by running into an unexpected third party


I am going through some things right now. This has been a rough summer for me. A horrible heart break and now my grandma passing away, which I knew was coming but I suppose I was not really ready for. The worst part of it all is... when I found out... the first thing I thought of is I wanted Ryan to comfort me.

I love my life. I love where I live. I love my friends. I love and I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people and things in my life. I know that and I get that. I have tried so hard to move on and move forward and fill my time with positive people and activities. But yet, there is this pain, this pain that is brought on by loss that just will not seem to leave my heart. I keep waiting and hoping and it is just there.

My heart is heavy. I know it will pass, I do... but for now... I am just waiting.

I leave for Detroit at 6am tomorrow. I tried to get home before she passed but I did not make it. I kind of knew though, that when I said goodbye to her when I was home last that it would be the last time I saw her. I walked out of the hospital room and tears rolled down my face and I just knew.

My family moved her to a hospice center though, which was nicer than a hospital setting. Their sole job is just to comfort her and make sure she is feeling as best as she can. They allow dogs there and for some reason my mom's dog, Shea, has a weird attachment to my grandma and she just sat on my grandma's lap for hours. I like to know that, I know how much better Shea makes me feel when I am sad... so I am sure she had the same effect on my grandma.

I have not packed at all. I should probably do that now.

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