I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly, I have a lot more time alone which forces you to think.
Break ups are hard, and it seems the older I get the harder they get. I consider my relationship with Ryan my first real adult relationship. While I have had relationships, serious relationships even, in the past 9 years (18 is adult, right?) I suppose I have never considered myself an adult until recently.
I am 27 now, I moved to Seattle when I was 25, almost 26. The plan always was to move here eventually. I lived the previous 25 years of my life not getting too comfortable in Michigan, or any other place I had lived, as it was just temporary. I suppose I was waiting for my "real life" to begin.
Today has been three weeks since we have spoken. Three weeks since he cut communication. It's hard, really hard. My subconscious has not caught up yet, as we are still together in my dreams. People tell me that will stop soon, I hope they are right.
In February, I decided to start birth control again. The Nuva Ring was my choice as it was what I was on in the past, actually from 2003-2007. I kind of remembered the first few months was a bit emotional for me, but then it passed, and I do not remember it being that bad.
Well, this time, it was bad. So bad that I am now synthetic hormone free (for 2 weeks now). I feel like a total different person. I cannot even explain it, but it was like from Feb-May I was angry, had a short fuse, confused, cried everyday for no reason, had crazy crazy crazy emotional outbursts. It was pure hell. I lived in my own hell.
Now that I have a sense of normalcy again I am finding myself filled with feelings of embarrassment, guilt, regret and disbelief that I was that person for three months. I also have a feeling my actions have a lot to do with the ending of my relationship.
I have hope that everything will be OK in time. I just wish that time would come sooner than later. I really wish my dreams would catch up with my reality.